Winning Isn't Everything. But It's Something.

A few weeks ago, sports journalist Rory Smith wrote a widely shared piece in The New York Times about coaching his son's under-7 soccer team. It was a lovely meditation on coaching his child and watching him play this game that Smith has followed for 40 years and written professionally about for 20.

Like every parent watching their child play a sport, Smith found himself deeply invested in his son's team's performance. They kept conceding goals - "avoidable goals, silly goals, goals wrapped up in gift paper and presented to the opposition," as he puts it. Despite youth soccer in England officially being non-competitive at this age, with no league tables or recorded results, everyone could still see the team was losing.

His initial response was telling: Drawing from his own youth soccer experience, he advised his son to "boot it out" when under pressure - a tactical solution that seemed to contradict everything he knew about modern youth development. This tension - between wanting immediate success and believing in long-term development, between knowing what's right and feeling what's natural - becomes the heart of Smith's reflection on parenting, coaching, and the complex emotions that arise when watching your child step onto a sports field.

The Winning Paradox

Smith's article concludes with his son's team finally winning a game, describing it as his happiest moment in soccer. I found the admission surprising from someone who has spent decades immersed in the professional game. While the joy is undeniable and understandable, it raises important questions about how we measure success in youth sports. Should winning a U7 game really be the pinnacle of joy, even for a parent? While everyone prefers winning to losing, in youth sports, I very much believe we need a broader perspective on what constitutes success and achievement.

Beyond the Scoreboard

To be clear, I'm not suggesting that winning doesn't matter or that we should shield young players from the disappointment of losing. Success and achievement are powerful motivators, hardwired into our psychology. Watch a toddler stack blocks or learn to walk – they beam with pride at each small victory, and that sense of accomplishment drives them to try again, to push further. The same dynamic plays out on the sports field.

But here's where we as coaches need to expand our vision: A game's outcome is in fact more like a medical check-up than a single-number test. When you get your blood work done, you don't receive just one number – you get a detailed report measuring various aspects of your health. Each soccer game similarly offers multiple indicators of a team's and individual players' development.

• Is the team improving its passing?

• Did players attempt the new skill we practiced this week?

• Are we improving our 1v1 defending?

• Were there moments of creative problem-solving, even if they didn't lead to goals?

• Did players communicate more than in previous games?

These metrics matter because they tell us something more valuable than the final score: they show us whether players are growing, taking risks, and developing both as athletes and young people. A 3-0 loss where every player actively participated and attempted new skills might actually represent more progress than a 3-0 win where one player scored all of the team’s goals.

A More Expansive View of Winning

As Phil Jackson, who coached Michael Jordan and the Chicago Bulls to six NBA championships, noted: "The most we can hope for is to create the best possible conditions for success, then let go of the outcome." This perspective is particularly relevant in youth sports, where creating conditions for long-term development should take precedence over short-term results.

For parents watching from the sidelines, this broader perspective on "winning" can transform how they view their child's sports experience. Instead of asking "Did you win?" after a game, try:

• "What was your best moment today?"

• "Did you try something new?"

• "How did you help your teammates?"

This reframing brings us back to Rory Smith's joyful moment watching his son celebrate. Perhaps what made it so special wasn't just the win itself, but seeing his son experience the culmination of many small victories: the confidence to try, the resilience to persist, the joy of shared achievement with teammates. These are the true measures of success in youth sports.

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